Poetic License Horoscopes for March 23 – 29

By Jane Cassady:

Aries (March 21-April 18): It’s almost the Mad Men premiere! Celebrate with a Don-like tumbler of Scotch and a Sally-like tantrum. The stars are so at the edge of our seats for a Sally Draper spinoff that we named our cat after her.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): “”There is nothing you have ever done that is/ not innocent and will in any way be judged as/ wrong by anyone of true wisdom, / but such knowledge you will not be able to/ accept until your and an angel’s ways are/ more similar. It just works like that.” (Hafiz)

Gemini (May 19-June 21): “I’m not searching for cherry lipstick/sparkle valentine baby animal cuddle beams. / Just maybe a sneak preview of / the matinee of your palm. / Maybe a note passed back across the classroom/ scrawled back with HECK YES.” (Rob Sturma) (Pssst, you’ll get the cuddle beams too.)

Cancer (June 22-July 23): It may be too early in the year for this, but the stars like to picture you chopping up peppers and onions and other rustic foodstuffs to take on a family camping trip. It’s okay if you only want to do this metaphorically.

Leo (July 24- Aug. 23): Whatever sacred space you need, take it. Rope yourself off like a VIP and order some bottle service like you’re Kanye. Don’t forget to open up those velvet ropes, though. Other special someones might want to come in for drinks.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23):  See: Gemini. Also, write your heart out. Whatever’s hurtiest, give it as many paragraphs as it needs, then shred it and let it go. There are sooooooo many good paragraphs on the way.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): If someone needs your care this week, drop everything and give it. You will be rewarded in closeness and light and cake, so give it your absolute best.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Please make a list of your best qualities: your pretty eyes, your excellent book collection, other things the stars would blush to mention. Repeat the list to yourself every morning and night until you believe it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec 22): To the Sagittarius who thought he was too big and tall to deserve love: this just blows my mind and makes me want to tear society down to the bones. Everybody is beautiful, dammit. Everyone’s divine!

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): To the Capricorn librarian awaiting a new child: your house is probably already full of books, but fill it some more. May your son’s little brother or sister grow uneventfully and auspiciously.  May your family, all families, be warm and forever.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb. 19): Whoever you have shown your flaws to and whoever has called them beautiful, that’s what tangles heartstrings together. Show yourself and be loved.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Your household is full of momentous occasions, and if it isn’t, make some! Toast the cats and a New Girl episode any given Tuesday. Celebrate the kitchen appliances’ valiant service. Make a holiday out of soup or towels or spiral notebooks—so much to celebrate!

 

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