Poetic License Horoscopes for May 11 – 17

By Jane Cassady (For the Comfort of Automated Phrases is coming in July!):

Taurus (April 19-May 18): It’s okay to keep consoling yourself for what you’ve lost. It still aches, that’s okay, because it’s important. You are going to get exponential goodwill in return, runaway growth.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): Rewrite your past so that you have everything you’ve ever needed, so that you were always treated like a precious jewel every minute, no one ever let you be unsafe. I think you’ll find yourself missing what you’ve learned from all the crimps and deficiencies—these are their own weird luxury.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): “I wanna thank you, for letting me, be myself again.” (Sly and the Family Stone) the encouragement you give out will have such a huge effect, you may never know. Write letters to buoy up your friends’ spirit–it will always work.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): My wife watches Sherlock, so I asked her what we could learn from Benedict Cumberbatch. She said “Everything you need to know is almost right in front of you.” Okay—open your eyes to the clues.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): On last week’s Mad Men, Megan left the agency to follow her dream of being an actress; It’s the same for you, except you don’t have to quit anything. Just follow the path you’re on now, glide along your trajectory—it’s that easy.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): If you take a nice walk with a friend and see a bird you’ve never seen before, (say, for instance, a hermit thrush) take that as a sign that there are so many new, pretty little things ready to hop into your life, to show you their plumage. It’s okay to let them.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Make time for yourself, and make it special. Take yourself on dates to the fanciest restaurants, the grandest museums. Buy yourself flowers and chocolate pianos. Make yourself a mixtape as only you know how. Be the great love of your life, and you are sure to get lucky.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Should you find yourself laughing or in tears or ecstatic at an inopportune moment, settle into it. Go ahead and be inappropriate—sometimes emotion trumps everything.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): I’ve been married almost nine years and I recently found out that my wife has a talent for rope bondage. Life is magical like that—everyone’s full of riches and secrets and mischief. Enjoy.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Don’t get Pretty Friend Syndrome. It isn’t always your friend’s job to be the belle of the ball—sometimes it’s you. Take your newfound confidence and use it to make genuine connections, to make a new life for yourself.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Be like Leslie Knope going after her doofus opponent in the city council debate. Let your passions speak for you, there is absolutely no reason to hold them back.

Aries (March 21-April 18):  To the Aries in a long-distance love affair—it’s worth it, isn’t it? How much love can be contained in a text? What kind of hot strange sex can you have over Skype? Right now you are both buzzing with potential, let it be so much.


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