One of our six Pushcart nominations, Ocean Vuong’s “Self-Portrait with Exit Wounds,” has won a Pushcart Prize and will be featured in the next Pushcart anthology. The poem first appeared in ASSARACUS ISSUE 08. Congratulations, Ocean!
Tag: Horoscopes
0 Poetic License Horoscopes for July 13 – 19
By Jane Cassady (Check out For the Comfort of Automated Phrases!):
Cancer (June 22-July 23): “All I ever knew is like a little mouse living in a tiny hole in a palace I have become.” (Hafiz) While you’re busy being expansive, take time to celebrate the way you used to be, which was also amazing. Bake a birthday cake for your former self, with big blue icing flowers.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): You never really know how much you’re loved, how precious you are to the people in your life. Look for signs of it—the special groceries, the firefly walks, the silly love-music that gets stuck in your head.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): “Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad.” (Carly Rae Jepsen) You have always contained at least as much longing as a song-of-the-summer, probably more. But today, take stock of all the many people you have wished for who subsequently arrived. The other missing magic puzzle pieces are on their way—just open your arms and let them come to you.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): “I feel so grateful for every challenge I’ve encountered, as it’s now clear that they were all stepping stones leading to the present moment, which is so full of joy and beauty that I feel I could do ANYTHING with the rest of my life & feel satisfied that my time on this planet was worthwhile. Dear G-d, I sincerely hope that, at some point, each and every person I know experiences the happiness that I am experiencing right now.” (Sam Richman, after gender-affirming surgery.) Be like Sam.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): The stars miss you every time we see junky special effects in old movies; it’s such a comforting thing to see. Hope all of your quests are being fulfilled, and your life is warm and full of sun.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): To the Sagittarius who says she wishes she could just like one or the other, men or women. Erroneous binary aside, there’s so little space in this world for us, few heroes or role models. We have to make up our own way to do this. Don’t accept the arbitrary limitations that are placed on us by those with limited imaginations.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): I recently started rewatching Angel. I don’t think that I even knew before that my favorite vampire-with-soul started his detective agency in order to connect more deeply to humans and be therefore less likely to want to eat them. It isn’t quite so dire for you, but do find some new ways to genuinely reach out.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): To the Aquarius planning a ladies’ weekend—may there be feather boas and dancing on banquettes, delirious running-into-the-surf, maybe a Gilmore Girls marathon. Have all the fun in the world and find your inner Lorelais.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces who listened to me when I was lost—I’m still lost, but thank you for taking care of me, hearing my side of things, wanting my real happiness. You’re a good ear and a magic friendship, and your life will be full of glittery adventure.
Aries (March 21-April 18): Buy two sheets of stickers, one unicorns, one rainbows. Give them to yourself whenever you take a heart-risk, whenever you live in the delightful prism-y spectrums of life, whenever you move this way or that along the Kinsey scale. It’s important to reward yourself for being so brave.
Taurus (April 19-May 18): I heard Die Antword’s “Baby’s On Fire” and had trouble not emailing it to you. Whatever’s not working for you, it’s time to burn it or dance it off. Stop struggling, unless you like that sort of thing. Not everything needs to be changed. Lay back and float on the surface of life like you do sometimes at the swimming poll. Look at the clouds.
Gemini (May 19-June 21): “Apparently I like ripping the Band-Aid off slowly and repeatedly.” (My brother, Ed Wiedmann) Yep, it’s hard to let things go, especially people, who tend to have a lot of adhesive. But it’s okay, keep trying.
0 Poetic License Horoscopes for July 6 – 12
By Jane Cassady (You can pre-order For the Comfort of Automated Phrases NOW!):
Cancer (June 22-July 23): Think of how many letters you can send: Strongly worded letters of complaint, love letters, thank you notes that go into lots of detail, letters of apology and amends. Pick five and write them out on paper. Remember stamps?
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): To the Leo who is apartment hunting—you will have ample closets, a big, clean kitchen, built-in bookshelves, hardwood floors, and a big windows. You’ll live in a quiet neighborhood with lots of trees. You’ll have everything including cheap rent, I promise.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): See Leo. Also, the tests you’ve been preparing for will be a piece of cake. Spend time in coffee shops going over practice tests. Alternate learning with good, long bouts of swimming. Fill up your brain and treat yourself kindly. You can do this.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Today, all of your wishes are coming true, and you are groggily joyful. Sleep as many hours as you want, you’ve earned it. Spend lots of time with paints and books and movies. The stars recommend rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer from a bondage perspective, but that could just be the stars.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): “Who laughs the most, knows the most, if that laughter is sincere.” (Hafiz) This week, focus even more than usual on the funny. Take Calvin and Hobbes collections to the beach with you. Meditate on the wise teachings of Demetri Martin, who is just as adorable in person. Go only to movie theatres that let you heckle the screen.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Look at the summer schedule and map out your visits. Be sure to spend the most time with the people who make you the most delighted, and the least on obligation.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Soon, I’m coming to visit you! We’ll write jillions of stanzas in our notebooks, putting stickers on the best parts. We’ll eat pie and snuggle children. I really can’t wait.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): This week, stand up for yourself, even if it is painful, even if it leads to some loss. Look at the people, the rumors, the dramas that hold you back and give them the what-for. Yes, we know, the stars should do this, too. Don’t let anyone take anything away from you. You are worth all the happiness and freedom in the world.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces in a long distance relationship: May her visits be long. May her texts be chock full of effusiveness and affection and glitter. May you have the place in her life that you’ve always wanted. A happy home. Open arms. Providence.
Aries (March 21-April 18): This week in your life as a video game, you are Mario Kart. If you feel like you’re careening, bouncing over mushrooms, skidding past barky chain-link dogs, occasionally being pulled from the drink by a helpful cloud guy with a fishing pole, don’t worry, things will calm down a bit next week. Next week’ll be Tetris.
Taurus (April 19-May 18): I’ve got writer’s block for Taurus, so please send your requests. Thanks!
Gemini (May 19-June 21): Take a trip to your local produce market, a farmers’ market if you have one nearby. Fruit has always symbolized well-being to the stars, and this week will be like strawberry-blueberry shortcake for you, Gemini!
0 Poetic License Horoscopes for June 29 – July 5
By Jane Cassady (You can pre-order For the Comfort of Automated Phrases NOW!):
Cancer (June 22-July 23): Dear birthday friend—this year, please believe all the nice things that your friends say about you, on your wall, in back-of-the-book blurbs, in vivid dreams. And while you’re at it, let accidental slights and mishaps float away like bubbles.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): I just Googled “collective nouns for hummingbirds.” Not only would that make a good name for something, but it also yielded the following results: charm, chattering, drum, troubling. (Who comes up with “a troubling of hummingbirds”? Clearly someone very disturbed.) Anyway, hummingbirds are like your quick, sweet luck and you’ll see a lot of them this summer.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): “Send me an angel, right now.” (Real Life) Your angels are your friends, invest everything in them. Everything shared at diner tables, sewing circles, and workshops will add up to everything you’ve ever looked for.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): See Virgo. You’ll have not just one angel, but dozens, everyone whose heart you’ve ever fluttered just a little bit is standing next to you as you reach this next important fruition.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22):Every time you ask nicely for something you want, you get a gold star, even when the answer is “no.” It’s time to start pushing past the boundaries of what you think you deserve. Your mantra is “more, more, more.”
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): You are your own foundation, the basis from which everything you create grows. This week, spend some time on structural integrity: Fix leaks, strengthen walls, make sure you have good ventilation and are not subject to flooding.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): A friend of mine recently hosted a summit of nearly every smart woman she knows—it must have been one heck of a sleepover. Create this for yourself, on whatever scale you can, even if it’s just inviting the sharpest lady you know over for coffee. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19) The stars have forgotten to send heart updates lately, but we wonder how you are doing—are you still twitterpated? Have your found new love and let go of the old? Is your family burgeoning, thriving, hurting? Be sure to let us know.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Take a long walk past pretty fences and flowers, preferably when the lightning bugs are out. Make a good detailed wish on each firefly, each hydrangea petal. Then sit down with some nice friends and talk about books. Bonus points if there’s wine.
Aries (March 21-April 18): In Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World, our hero gets shiny coins whenever enemies are defeated. This week will be like that, but with less actual combat. Every item crossed off on your to do list, no matter how small or large, will give you what you need to level up, sparkly and solid.
Taurus (April 19-May 18): Someone somewhere is writing a lot of paragraphs about you—you never know how deep of an impression you’ve made, how you’ve changed someone’s trajectory. I’m sure if they could, they’d send you the paragraphs, but for now, you can only imagine.
Gemini (May 19-June 21): “I can love whoever I want.” (Charlie’s brother in Adaptation) This week the stars are having a Charlie Kaufman movie marathon, and we suggest you do the same—get lost in the layers of it, the hot existential love scenes, the ponderousness of everything. When you watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, be glad of everyone you haven’t erased.
1 Poetic License Horoscopes for June 22 – 28
By Jane Cassady (You can pre-order For the Comfort of Automated Phrases NOW!):
Cancer (June 22-July 23): Find yourself some grown-up coloring pages and go to town on them. Do this in front of the TV if you want. Embellish your pages with stickers and stamp-pads and hang them up someplace where you need to be reminded to trust your creativity.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): My wife recently wrote a Zombie Apocalypse Horoscope and may well be a guest horoscopist come Halloween time. I don’t know much about zombies, but I know you should never box yourself in a basement, and don’t board up the windows. What’s coming for you is coming for you, turn and face it.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Even if today none of the libraries were open, and you ran into your old nemesis, and you ate a shameful amount of cookies, no matter. Tomorrow you’ll get a good playlist in your inbox, you’ll go on a firefly walk with your love, you’ll watch a dumb movie. Life is always mostly awesome.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): The stars never grew out of drawing hearts in the corners of notebook pages, and neither should you. You can even indulge in the creepy-cute eighth-grade-girl thing of writing your crush’s name over and over. Go ahead, be ridiculous and smitten.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Every day this week, find a poem—it could be anywhere, like magic. Collect them and build something nice.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): It’s almost time to go to summer camp, and you are a counselor. Remember your sunscreen and water jug. Remember, children can be a bit chaotic, so leave some of your Order-Muppet side at home; more Animal, less Kermit.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Yours is a religion of board games—read your future in Scrabble tiles, nothing as confusing as Upwords. I can’t master the strategy of chess (or even, some days, Bejeweled) but you can—you know where you’ll be three moves from now, so relax.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Whatever imprisons you, accept it for a bit. Then watch I Love You, Phillip Morris, watch the clouds scoot by, and plan your escape or even your series of escapes. Whatever you do, don’t think about Camus’ The Stranger. Actually, that’s good advice for every week.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Ignore any and all nay-sayers at the table—you can follow any goals you’ve set out for yourself. The breath and health and love you want are within reach, just take a good walk to them. Then rest in your cool and wonderful cave. Repeat.
Aries (March 21-April 18): You are as adorable and strange as a little kids’ summer camp production of Wicked, only everyone hits the high notes and no one misses their lines. You are the mini-Elphaba to my Glinda heart, and vice versa.
Taurus (April 19-May 18): “I don’t know when to start or when to stop
My luck’s like a button/ I can’t stop pushing it/ My head feels light
But I’m still in the dark/ Seems like without tenderness there’s something missing.” (General Public)
Gemini (May 19-June 21): To the Gemini who finally found her McDreamy (Several years after Grey’s Anatomy became irrelevant, but still.) –it’s okay to agonize over what to say in your emails, miss him like crazy until he gets back to town, go ahead and believe in things a little bit!
0 Poetic License Horoscopes for June 15 – 21
By Jane Cassady (You can pre-order For the Comfort of Automated Phrases NOW!):
Happy birthday to my mom, brother, and sister, who were all born on the same day! And! Happy 9-year anniversary to the wonderful Leo who inspires me the most, Amy Lawson. Our family’s full of celebration!
Gemini (May 19-June 21): “You are encouraged to change your mind,” maybe even sort through all of the things you’ve said “no” to and try a “yes” here and there. Overturn all of your old thought structures like tilling the soil.
Cancer (June 22-July 23): “Tears and laughter are both welcome,” so feel free to emote up a storm this week. Recreational crying is underrated and forced laughter is overused. Be authentic above all else.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): “If you’re a YES, say YES. If you’re a NO, say NO.” If you’re a “give me a little quiet when I get home from work” or a “make out with me emphatically and at length,” then say those things too.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): “You must ask permission and get a verbal YES before you touch anyone. (Be as specific with your request as you can.)” Make a list of VERY specific bodily requests and check them off as you ask for them. Whether you get a YES or a NO, you get a big, fat gold star just for asking.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): “Pajamas stay on the whole time.” The day, the weekend, the week, as long as you possibly can, stay in bed with your loves, your pets, your books. Don’t get up until you are absolutely, unequivocally rested.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): “You don’t have to cuddle anyone at a cuddle party, EVER,” or anyplace else for that matter, whether you run to the world with open arms or cordon yourself off with caution tape, make sure it is your happy choice.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): “Keep the cuddle space tidy.” Take some time to clear out your physical and emotional clutter—yammer it out to a sweetheart or get it all down on the page—you’ll feel better and so much clearer.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): “Respect people’s privacy.” Take a break from sharing and tagging and “liking” and sit face to face with a stranger, even if you have to come up with a clever nickname for them when you write about it later.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): “WHAT TO WEAR: pajamas.” Pajamas are practically a religion in my household. Make altars to your soft pants, sing hosannas to the ribbon drawstrings, kneel down and thank your fuzzy slippers.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): “If you’re a maybe, say NO.” This week, find at least a little bit of time to do EXACTLY what you want, without any compromising. It’s difficult, but it can be done.
Aries (March 21-April 18): “Respect your relationship agreements and communicate with your partner.” That includes frequently telling your partner(s) how adorable he/she/they are. And you are adorable too!
Taurus (April 19-May 18): “Get your Cuddle Party Facilitator or the Cuddle Assistant if you have a question or concern or need assistance.” Asking for help can be tricky, but give it a whirl. What worries can you delegate, what weights could you live without?
0 Poetic License Horoscopes for June 8 – 14
By Jane Cassady (You can pre-order For the Comfort of Automated Phrases NOW!):
Gemini (May 19-June 21): It’s time to plan birthday parties, complete with elaborate fireworks and superhero-themed cake. Make a list of all of your presents, tangible and not. Send real paper thank-yous for all.
Cancer (June 22-July 23): Listen to the music of everything your loved ones say. Compose it into melodies and hum along wholeheartedly, as if you’re out on the open road, out on the world’s best road trip.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Take your summer bonus money and buy a vacation, even if it’s a little one-get time to gaze into your sweetie’s eyes, write gratuitously in glitter-emblazoned notebooks, or catch up on your Firefly episodes.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Do what you need to do and don’t worry about who presses “like.” Okay, worry a little, that’s okay, but for the most part, give yourself to real and present things, like dancing, or walking, or cuddle parties. If you DO try a cuddle party, I promise you this: you will be closer to your inner Reid Mihalko by the end.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): To the Libra who recently enjoyed a good first date: So much can be accomplished while only sort of watching a movie. So what if you don’t remember the plot of Marie Antoinette and I’ve only seen glimpses and heard synth-mantras of Liquid Sky—say “Let them eat cake!” to you inhibitions and look forward to what comes next.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): To the Scorpio who keeps having a little tree stolen out of the pot on the front stoop: don’t give up. Keep planting. Yes, over and over. I think maybe that’s what some of life is.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): The stars wonder how you have been doing lately—how are your poems? Are you still writing them every day? Are you still a Tasmanian Devil flurry of paragraphs? Do you still note and collect motivational quotes? If so, please send the stars some. We can always use more.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Throw yourself a party like the ones they used to have in grade school, before sugar was outlawed. Find a cute someone to help pour the punch. Deal out cookies of celebration onto plates. Have the loudest and most cheerful game of Apples to Apples you’ve ever known.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Go past what you see at first glimpse this week. Tell your assumptions to take a vacation and get as in-depth as you can.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): “Strive for what you deserve. Don’t go for second best, baby!” (My pal Joseph Prisco, sensibly quoting Madonna) Write out and follow all the best advice you give and get. Make whatever changes you need to. Also: put your love to the test.
Aries (March 21-April 18): Well, Sally Draper is a woman now. You’re ready for rites of passage as well—go ahead, go forward, someone will be there to help you settle in.
Taurus (April 19-May 18): Yesterday at my afterschool program job, we had the most amazing talent show ever. This week’ll be like that for you—imagine children singing acapella versions of uplifting radio hits, making spontaneous collaborative art, playing the piano, and reading poetry. It gets really raucous toward the end. Don’t be afraid to clap along!
0 Poetic License Horoscopes for June 1 – 7
By Jane Cassady (You can pre-order For the Comfort of Automated Phrases NOW!):
Gemini (May 19-June 21): Even more than usual, listen to song lyric for messages. Shuffle, the radio, the dreamy music over the credits, they’ve got something important to tell you.
Cancer (June 22-July 23): To the Cancer who just got into an MFA program: CONGRATULATIONS! You are worth every writing minute. fill your notebook with answers and forms and formulae. You’ll be even more yourself.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): to the Leo who’s moving when the lease is up: Your new place may or may not have a garden, its own washer-dryer, or a tall-person’s shower, but I promise you this: quiet, a fresh start, more windows that open. You and your love and your cats will be happy and safe.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): You’ve been taking a break and now you’re frustrated, but I promise you—time to heal and read novels, to finish your homework, to take up half-assed yoga again, all the time you are taking for yourself will pay off in snuggly, sweaty, musky dividends, sooner than you think.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Buy yourself a T-shirt that says “I want to cuddle you so hard.” Wear it someplace where snuggles are likely, which, for someone like you, is everywhere.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Be naked wherever you can, even if you’re just doing the dishes or sitting around watching TV. Feel everything against your beautiful skin, the sun on your shoulders, the breeze on your knees.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): When my book was accepted last fall, I was warned many times about how difficult the editing process would be, what a nightmare. Actually, it was an ease and a pleasure—sometimes things actually work out to be easier than you thought. Things match up sometimes, notice miracles like that.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): The other day at my after school program job, when I launched into one of my many rousing speeches, a favorite student made me a sign that said “Teachable moment!!!” This week, put your two cents on whenever you see fit, maybe even a little more often than usual.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Think of all the things you loved but stopped doing, and pick a few of them up again. Let me know what you find—discarded games, old rituals, new geysers of inspiration.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces celebrating a book release this week: The stars are there with you, of course, blazing with pride, cheering you on. May the night be every sweet thing you ever wished for, your book’s spine strong, your loving friends elated.
Aries (March 21-April 18): Last week on Mad Men, Peggy Olson realized her worth. She took a raise and moved on to an agency where she could shine. Give notice to something that’s already expired and get what you deserve.
Taurus (April 19-May 18): No matter what you do, some connections stay with you, invisible ribbons looping their way across the city or across the world. Love them until they fade or never do. Learn what you can from them.
0 Poetic License Horoscopes for May 25 – 31
By Jane Cassady (You can pre-order For the Comfort of Automated Phrases on May 31!):
Gemini (May 19-June 21): After having four kids, my sister had her tubes tied. She always said she wouldn’t be surprised if her operation was one of the .5 percent that didn’t work. Turns out, she was still pretty surprised (but overjoyed). Get ready for blessing as lavish and shocking as hers.
Cancer (June 22-July 23): On last week’s Girls, Hannah took a trip home and caught a glimpse of what life in her hometown would’ve been like if she’d stayed. For one thing, guys there don’t talk dirty enough. Take a moment to appreciate the many and varied benefits of how far you’ve traveled.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Whatever new hobby you’re working on, you’re about to be moved up from the beginner class to the intermediate level. Give yourself a hug, a gold star, a butterscotch sundae and a backrub. You deserve every reward.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): You keep dreaming of people you’ve lost, reuniting, taking their hands, visiting for Christmas. Whatever is missing is drifting towards you like a misty ex in a dream. Take his hand and go forward.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): (Kind of a meta-scope) Looking at the horoscopes from last year is kind of melancholy—I was in love with a Libra who’s long gone. I’m glad that at least there’s art to preserve temporary love, make it a little bit permanent.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): My therapist says it is possible to learn not to cry for hours about the everyday insensitivities that are part of life. If I learn this, I will have all kinds of extra time. I think I will use it for snuggling.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Break up with “Whatever You Like” by T.I. and start going out with “So Good” by B.O.B. Always choose the song in when the Shorty gets more choices.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): In the classroom I am observing, students are trying to show that they are “ready for second grade.” If they prove they are, they get a badge to wear around all day. You’ve earned your “Ready for whatever comes next” badge. Wear it proudly.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Sometimes you have to hunker down and be a grown up. Other times (like this week) you should do the opposite. Throw a tantrum, play hooky, stay home and read a novel under the covers. You’ve earned it by being so good the rest of the time.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces turning her guest room into a studio: good for you. I’ll gladly take the air mattress so that you can have space to make bird-print pillows, write poems, or stare dreamily out the window. Can’t wait to see what you’ll come up with.
Aries (March 21-April 18): My favorite episodes of Mad Med are the ones where Don hangs out with women as friends. Put on your old-timey hat and go get drunk with a gorgeous Joan-esque buddy. But unlike don, take a cab home.
Taurus (April 19-May 18): I had a dream about you. We were visiting you for Christmas. I took your hand and introduced you to every single person in my whole family. You were waiting by the computer to hear back about a very special opportunity. Good luck!
0 Poetic License Horoscopes for May 18 – 24
By Jane Cassady (If you love Poetic License Horoscopes, you’ll REALLY love For the Comfort of Automated Phrases, Jane’s debut collection of poetry. It’s coming in July. Pre-order it starting June 1!):
Taurus (April 19-May 18): If there’s someplace you can go where everybody’s pretty and special and fun, go to there. You’ll fit right in and find exactly what you need!
Gemini (May 19-June 21): Last weekend, we spent a fair number of hours playing Wii Jeopardy with my family, and here’s what I think: It’s much more enjoyable on the easy setting. Alex Trebek is less fun without the mustache. My Mii is due for a makeover. The answers are less like questions every day. (Confidential to K.C:YAAAAAAAY!)
Cancer (June 22-July 23): Next time it rains, play hooky and catch up on your pleasure reading. Take one or several naps—you need to catch up on your dreaming to defragment your subconscious and start anew.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): “Take my love, take my land/ Take me where I cannot stand/ I don’t care, I’m still free/ You can’t take the sky from me.” (Firefly theme song) It’s a good time for a rewatch, isn’t it, dear?
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Give gifts to your inner teenager. Write her letters to tell her she is worthy and pretty. Indulge in the power-ballads of the Nineties. To paraphrase Motley Crue, you’re on your way, you’re on your wa-aa-ay, home sweet home.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): I like when I ask for request and people write entire predictions for me! Guest Libra Sam Richman says: “Your primal urges are pulling you into the forest and onto the dance floor. Keep listening to your body – there is ancient, inherited wisdom in it. Libras are all about heart, and the heart is often associated with sweetness & sensitivity, but it is also a muscular organ, and yours grows stronger every day.”
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): It’s okay to crowd-source inspiration of you’re all out—ask your friends, both virtual and IRL, to send you love songs, attention, strength. They are sure to send exactly what you need.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): The answer to “Should I just go to sleep?” is usually “yes.” Go head, go to bed at 7:30 if you want to, you’ll wake up feeling like it’s a holiday.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Try someplace new. Take your book and a notebook. Write something or nothing. Read the bulletin board or stare into space. Strike up a conversation with a stranger and find out all of his or her adventures.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Your keyword for the week is “open.” Open your heart. Open the window and smell the rain. Open a book and don’t close it again til morning. Open your plans up for something new.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): “We are not what they think we are, we are golden, we are golden.” (MIKA) This week, MIKA is your spirit animal—be more like him, a silly, happy, lollipop dream.
Aries (March 21-April 18): “At some point one’s prayers will become/ so powerful that they ca shake a full tree/ in an orchard in heaven and fruit will roll/ through the streets in this world.” (Hafiz)
0 Poetic License Horoscopes for May 11 – 17
By Jane Cassady (For the Comfort of Automated Phrases is coming in July!):
Taurus (April 19-May 18): It’s okay to keep consoling yourself for what you’ve lost. It still aches, that’s okay, because it’s important. You are going to get exponential goodwill in return, runaway growth.
Gemini (May 19-June 21): Rewrite your past so that you have everything you’ve ever needed, so that you were always treated like a precious jewel every minute, no one ever let you be unsafe. I think you’ll find yourself missing what you’ve learned from all the crimps and deficiencies—these are their own weird luxury.
Cancer (June 22-July 23): “I wanna thank you, for letting me, be myself again.” (Sly and the Family Stone) the encouragement you give out will have such a huge effect, you may never know. Write letters to buoy up your friends’ spirit–it will always work.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): My wife watches Sherlock, so I asked her what we could learn from Benedict Cumberbatch. She said “Everything you need to know is almost right in front of you.” Okay—open your eyes to the clues.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): On last week’s Mad Men, Megan left the agency to follow her dream of being an actress; It’s the same for you, except you don’t have to quit anything. Just follow the path you’re on now, glide along your trajectory—it’s that easy.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): If you take a nice walk with a friend and see a bird you’ve never seen before, (say, for instance, a hermit thrush) take that as a sign that there are so many new, pretty little things ready to hop into your life, to show you their plumage. It’s okay to let them.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Make time for yourself, and make it special. Take yourself on dates to the fanciest restaurants, the grandest museums. Buy yourself flowers and chocolate pianos. Make yourself a mixtape as only you know how. Be the great love of your life, and you are sure to get lucky.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Should you find yourself laughing or in tears or ecstatic at an inopportune moment, settle into it. Go ahead and be inappropriate—sometimes emotion trumps everything.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): I’ve been married almost nine years and I recently found out that my wife has a talent for rope bondage. Life is magical like that—everyone’s full of riches and secrets and mischief. Enjoy.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Don’t get Pretty Friend Syndrome. It isn’t always your friend’s job to be the belle of the ball—sometimes it’s you. Take your newfound confidence and use it to make genuine connections, to make a new life for yourself.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Be like Leslie Knope going after her doofus opponent in the city council debate. Let your passions speak for you, there is absolutely no reason to hold them back.
Aries (March 21-April 18): To the Aries in a long-distance love affair—it’s worth it, isn’t it? How much love can be contained in a text? What kind of hot strange sex can you have over Skype? Right now you are both buzzing with potential, let it be so much.
