Poetic License Horoscopes for December 2 – 8

By Jane Cassady:

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): For those of us who fall towards the middle of the Muppet/human spectrum, asking ourselves “Am I a man, or a Muppet?” can be kind of tricky. This week, be adorably grateful for all the things at which you are in-between.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): And speaking of in-between, courtesy of my wife’s Scrabble dictionary, I present to you the word ambivert, which means a person who is both an introvert and an extrovert. This week, take time to be a social butterfly, yes, but also time to cocoon. (Even though, sorry, cocoons are mainly for moths.)

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): This week, catch up on girl talk, the activity, and Girl Talk, the dude who makes excellent mashups out of pop songs. On a related note, raveling and unraveling have the same definition.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20):  “I think Marcel the Shell is my patronus.”(Shanny Jean Maney) You couldn’t be more right. You sleep eight to a muffin, worry over loved ones who’ve floated away, and like to smile “because it’s worth it.” We adore you for all of these qualities and so many more.

Aries (March 21-April 18): This week, your advice comes from megacute Jenny Slate: “For some, having a thick skin means preparing for the worst—arming yourself for a huge battle. But that notion allows negativity to define you. Rather, I work to maintain an unwaveringly extra-positive self-image. Even when my contract wasn’t renewed on Saturday Night Live last year, I remained 100-percent confident in my abilities. One decision on someone else’s part, whether they’re affirming or rejecting you, is ultimately minor. You are your constant, and your opinion of yourself is what matters most.”

Taurus (April 19-May 18): “You’re telling me it’s in the trees, in the trees. It’s not, it’s inside me. You’re telling me it’s on the ground, all around. It’s not, it’s inside me. You’re telling me it’s in disguise, well use your eyes–it’s not, it’s inside me.” (Ned’s Atomic Dustbin, Grey Cell Green) Now would be a good time to stay put, to go ahead and have what you’ve been looking for.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): “You’ve got everything that you need, right in front of you.” (The Muppets) Singing along to the new Muppet Movie soundtrack with my sister and niece on the way back from day-after-Thanksgiving shopping was one of the happiest things of ever. Be prepared for a month filled with moments exactly as adorable as that.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): This week, thank and snuggle all of you learning curves. My friend Andrea says that a butterfly has to fight to get out of its chrysalis, because that’s how it builds up strength in its wings. If it doesn’t struggle enough, it won’t be able to fly. This makes me feel better about my statistics homework, among other things.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): “The universe is big. It’s vast and complicated and ridiculous and sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles… and that’s a theory. Nine hundred years and I’ve never seen one yet, but this will do me.” (Doctor Who)

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23):  “Gonna walk right up to him, give him a great big kiss, MWAH!” (The Shangri-Las) Lately, forces have been conspiring against your tendency to overthink things. Just let them.

Libra (Sept 24-Oct 21): Don’t forget how much you like to sit and make art. Put on some nice music and get out your paints. Spend an afternoon just on colors and yourself.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22):  This is a week to make optimistic purchases including, but not limited to, lots of new makeout music. The stars would like to suggest A Very She and Him Christmas for those who are holiday-minded, and anything by The Shins for those who are not.

 

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