Poetic License Horoscopes for December 9 – 15

By Jane Cassady:

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Happy belated birthday to one of the stars’ favorite people in the world, Lori McGinn! Your coming year will be filled with daffodils, Lost episodes on demand, children’s craft projects, grace, and lots of family snuggling. You deserve to be a hug millionaire, don’t forget it.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): You are as beautiful and risky as camping on a second date—take this opportunity for very fresh air, hiking, and a warm-front acquaintance despite the cold.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Sometimes I mix up statistics class with OK Cupid, and this is a good thing. Write as many notes to as many cute faces as you can possibly stand to, and it’s probable that your dance card will overwhelm you.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Conduct an interview with yourself ten years ago, or maybe even twenty. See what risks you would’ve taken, what scandalous demands you would have made without thinking, what staircases you would have feverishly disrobed on. Be just a little more like that person.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Take this time to embroider all of the progress you’ve made onto merit badges. Sew every snuggle, poem, and promotion, and wear it all like a proud sash. More is coming, and soon, so you’d better be ready.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): I gave up online Scrabble because of a bad conversation there, but a Taurus pal sensibly told me that I shouldn’t blame Scrabble for this, and says I should take it up again. Think of everything you’ve neglected because of grief and consider taking them all back.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): Every year, on the night that we put up the Christmas tree, I make eggnog bread pudding for my wife and me to eat in front of sitcoms before tackling the untangling of lights. Add several made-up traditions to your repertoire, the more decadent, the better.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): You are of course ending the year with more milestones and accomplishments than ever before—years are like that. Cut out ten paper snowflakes for every new thing you are proud of, and string them up on every mirror.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): You are like a craft workshop at the nature center—wholesome, happy, pure, and prone to collecting leaves for their design qualities. Wrap it all up into a wreath and hang it on the door. I promise that no one will steal it. 

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23):  I learned from last week’s “Poly for the Holidays” episode of Polyamory Weekly that hosting a dinner can be a way of expressing one’s submissive side. I never though of it quite that way, but this week, feel free to be of service in any way you see fit, especially if it involves elaborate desserts. 

Libra (Sept 24-Oct 21): On this year’s Christmas episode of How I Met Your Mother, ACDC and an elaborate light display came into play in cheering up a friend. To your friends, you are that many lights and that much very emphatic music. 

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22):  Like those teenagers making out in the car in Manos: The Hands of Fate, you just can’t seem to stop kissing. Good for you! Don’t let anything stop you.

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