Poetic License Horoscopes for January 27 – February 2

By Jane Cassady:

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb. 19): Make some space for yourself at the margin of things. Shush the peanut gallery of your past, your fears, your self-doubt, and spell out events in your own formation, according to your own interpretation. We promise it will be worth it.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): On last week’s Parks and Recreation, Leslie Knope felt very conflicted about the idea of running a negative campaign ad about her opponent for city council. Like Leslie, find a way to point out the flaws of the situation and still be adorable about it. 

Aries (March 21-April 18): “Your heart is both drunk and a kid.” (Marshall Erikson on How I Met Your Mother) Trust your heart and its adorable recklessness. Let it do the equivalent of jumping off the porch roof wearing a towel tied around your neck for a cape. Sometimes hearts land safely.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): Even if you’ve written a list of everything you’ve learned, dressed every bruise and scar, begun every transformation, some things just aren’t about learning or transcendence. Let it stay in your bones until your body is done with it, don’t struggle to be free.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): On last week’s Portlandia, a couple’s attempts to throw a non-conventional wedding nearly tore them apart, yet somehow, the dividing up of their friends turned into a wedding ceremony/basketball game. Find a way to make conflict into something surprising and beautiful.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): According to Wikipedia, “Daylight harvesting is the term used in sustainable architecture and the building controls and active daylighting industries for a control system that reduces the use of artificial lighting in building interiors when natural daylight is available, in order to reduce energy consumption.” This week, please make the most of everything that’s given to you for free.

Leo (July 24- Aug. 23): “But I reserve a special sort of love—and, yes, it really is love—for my favorite appliance. Slow cooker, all would be lost without you.” (Kristin van Ogtrop) This weekend take time to celebrate this and every other warm thing that simmers.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Okay, so the stars have been watching a lot of TV this week. We are surprised to find ourselves riveted by Desperate Housewives: Brie van De Camp has gone rogue. When her church’s pastor caught wind that she’d been drinking and enjoying casual sex and sought her out at a bar to intervene, she told him “You don’t know me.” Find a similar way to tell false virtue to fuck off.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): This week the stars will find ourselves at two parties benefitting top surgeries. Believe in anything your friends are making themselves into, and pledge to help them get there, preferably if it involves drunken karaoke.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): In the movie/ Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode Hercules Unchained, Hercules finds himself marooned on an…island, maybe? There, he is forced to drink the waters of forgetfulness and presumably get lucky with lots of nymphs. Take a break like that any time you can. 

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec 22):  “Jenna, you know how much I hate clubs and dance halls and odeons. They’re all malarkey.” (Liz Lemon on 30 Rock) Feel free to stay home as much as you like, but remember, it’s never too late for now. 

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Google the video of Neil Patrick Harris singing “Dream” On on Glee. Listen to it a whole bunch of times and believe it. Your dreams will come true if you just keep asking yourself, what would NPH do?

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