Poetic License Horoscopes for March 2 – 8

By Jane Cassady:

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Don’t be afraid of the sunlight—plan little outings each day to acclimate yourself. Let the sparkle on the lake and snow get you bright and ready for spring.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Meditate on the first Cadbury egg of the season. Think about the way the chocolate melts into the fondant, the way the faux egg yolk represents all that is good and new. The orange flavored ones are pretty good too. Come to think of it, the stars kind of wish they came in raspberry.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): Keep making good thorough lists of everything you want. Add more little items every day. Include every schedule and nuance. Choose the first three things and then go get them. 

Gemini (May 19-June 21): In a recent cutthroat family game of Apples to Apples, my niece decided that trees are more enormous than Mexico. That’s more reasonable than it seemed at the time. Anyway, the blessings you’ll get this week are as enormous and trees AND Mexico.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Last week on This American Life we learned that many wives, upon hearing the symptoms of Asperger’s Syndrome, become convinced that their husbands have it. Social cues are confusing to everyone, read a lot about spectrums and etiquette.

Leo (July 24- Aug. 23): Catch up on some introspection you’ve been meaning to get to. Examine and count all of your inner complications. Play solitaire, Tetris, or write some poetry. There’s a lot trying to come out. Google and listen to All The Good that Won’t Come Out  by Rilo Kiley.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23):  Sometimes you have to be lost in the woods. When this happens, please make sure you are more Bettie Page than Laura Palmer. Naked in the wilderness, yes, but in a happy way. 

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): My Libra brother-in-law practices parkour. I believe he goes to a class at the Y. I’m not telling you to jump all over stuff, unless you want to. Just take the longest distance between two points whenever you can.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): During the course of the nicest breakup ever, a pal of mine gave me back my pajamas with a thank you note, a lenticular Valentine of a parrot that says “You Raaawk!” Be as generous as he is, and count your successes accordingly.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec 22): Stop and take a little inventory of the changes you’ve made so far this year. For every little step forward, give yourself a sticker or a ribbon, then wear them all on your shirt all the way ‘til the end of the day, like a kid would.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): All self-help activities should be approached the way that the stars like to do yoga: half-assed. Pick something they say is good for you—deep breathing or vegetables or staring deeply into people’s eyes, and just indulge a little. No need to go nuts about it.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb. 19): A few weeks ago I set a couple of my friends up and it seems to be going well. Commit a similar act of creativity and conservation and enjoy the results, even if they’re not about you.


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