Poetic License Horoscopes for March 16 – 22

By Jane Cassady:

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces who just received the first copies of her first full-length collection of poems: when you send out your review copies, may you get back a million Valentines worth of praise. You are generous and dear, and you deserve it.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Like the couple in the season finale of Portlandia, look for a little extra adventure, even if it comes in the form of pancakes. You will fall in love with yourself all over again.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): Dear Taurus I can’t stop writing to—I miss you. I wish I’d have met you a few months later, I’d’ve know what to do with you. But then, if I wouldn’t have met you, I wouldn’t have known what to learn. If you knew where to find it, you could read a whole list of really specific thanks. Gonna try to make this the last note to you, I promise.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): “I’m carrying all of the love of an orchestra.” (Noah and the Whale) Whether you dream of writerly success or for a coop of urban chickens, consider yourself on the right path. Let all kinds of ridiculous love buoy you up and carry you forward.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Swear off whatever you’ve been meaning to swear off, and see if it helps. The stars recently gave up watching The Fashion Police because they are too mean to bodies, and the bodies in our house appreciate it.

Leo (July 24- Aug. 23): Be as specific with your wishes as this Leo’s request: “I am desiring a place of my own, one bedroom in NYC or University City, love with a man who is dark, tall, and has locs, enjoys working in the community maybe for low pay but he is dedicated and really loves it. Desires children but has none, considers himself more spiritual than religious (of the Christian persuasion), is open minded, liberal, honest, trustworthy and values family. I also desire to lose 20 lbs (lol) and have a child before 34.”

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23):  ‎”Okay, life’s a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness.” (Paul Varjak in Breakfast at Tiffany’s) Whatever scars you still wear, consider them gifts. Let them carry you forward out of heartbreak and into your next series of adventures. May your first dates be lightning-crack attraction or deep new friendships—dare I say, both!

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Please put Arcade Fire’s “Wake Up” on your MP3 player and listen to it often to remind you of what’s stirring inside you. It’s something primal and deep and howly. The stars are sending you every blessing and wish in your quest for it, and please let us know how it’s going.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): To the Scorpio who requested a repeat of last week’s horoscope: It’s hard not to just tell people their true love is coming over and over, every week! Isn’t that why fortune-telling was invented? But the truth is, all kinds of love is coming your way, bounding toward you like a heard of puppies. Open your arms for them.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec 22): You are a box of gourmet chocolates (curse Forest Gump for ruining chocolate box metaphors for everyone) and a beloved series on DVD. Feel free to consume both in one sitting. Enjoy.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Welcome to Spring Training. I’m not really sure what baseball players do there, but I imagine it has something to do with fundamentals. Practice your fundamentals. Play catch, run the bases, do a few hours of batting practice, any way you want to.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb. 19): To my Aquarius friend who is twitterpated: keep making the very most of Spring. Take long daffodil-y walks, go on picnics with children, celebrate any art you want to. You’re doing great!!

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