Poetic License Horoscopes for May 25 – 31

By Jane Cassady (You can pre-order For the Comfort of Automated Phrases on May 31!):

Gemini (May 19-June 21): After having four kids, my sister had her tubes tied. She always said she wouldn’t be surprised if her operation was one of the .5 percent that didn’t work. Turns out, she was still pretty surprised (but overjoyed). Get ready for blessing as lavish and shocking as hers.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): On last week’s Girls, Hannah took a trip home and caught a glimpse of what life in her hometown would’ve been like if she’d stayed. For one thing, guys there don’t talk dirty enough. Take a moment to appreciate the many and varied benefits of how far you’ve traveled.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Whatever new hobby you’re working on, you’re about to be moved up from the beginner class to the intermediate level. Give yourself a hug, a gold star, a butterscotch sundae and a backrub. You deserve every reward.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): You keep dreaming of people you’ve lost, reuniting, taking their hands, visiting for Christmas. Whatever is missing is drifting towards you like a misty ex in a dream. Take his hand and go forward.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): (Kind of a meta-scope) Looking at the horoscopes from last year is kind of melancholy—I was in love with a Libra who’s long gone. I’m glad that at least there’s art to preserve temporary love, make it a little bit permanent.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): My therapist says it is possible to learn not to cry for hours about the everyday insensitivities that are part of life. If I learn this, I will have all kinds of extra time. I think I will use it for snuggling.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Break up with “Whatever You Like” by T.I. and start going out with “So Good” by B.O.B. Always choose the song in when the Shorty gets more choices.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): In the classroom I am observing, students are trying to show that they are “ready for second grade.” If they prove they are, they get a badge to wear around all day. You’ve earned your “Ready for whatever comes next” badge. Wear it proudly.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Sometimes you have to hunker down and be a grown up. Other times (like this week) you should do the opposite. Throw a tantrum, play hooky, stay home and read a novel under the covers. You’ve earned it by being so good the rest of the time.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces turning her guest room into a studio: good for you. I’ll gladly take the air mattress so that you can have space to make bird-print pillows, write poems, or stare dreamily out the window. Can’t wait to see what you’ll come up with.

Aries (March 21-April 18):  My favorite episodes of Mad Med are the ones where Don hangs out with women as friends. Put on your old-timey hat and go get drunk with a gorgeous Joan-esque buddy. But unlike don, take a cab home.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): I had a dream about you. We were visiting you for Christmas. I took your hand and introduced you to every single person in my whole family. You were waiting by the computer to hear back about a very special opportunity. Good luck!

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