Poetic License Horoscopes for June 8 – 14

By Jane Cassady (You can pre-order For the Comfort of Automated Phrases NOW!):

Gemini (May 19-June 21): It’s time to plan birthday parties, complete with elaborate fireworks and superhero-themed cake. Make a list of all of your presents, tangible and not. Send real paper thank-yous for all.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Listen to the music of everything your loved ones say. Compose it into melodies and hum along wholeheartedly, as if you’re out on the open road, out on the world’s best road trip.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Take your summer bonus money and buy a vacation, even if it’s a little one-get time to gaze into your sweetie’s eyes, write gratuitously in glitter-emblazoned notebooks, or catch up on your Firefly episodes.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Do what you need to do and don’t worry about who presses “like.” Okay, worry a little, that’s okay, but for the most part, give yourself to real and present things, like dancing, or walking, or cuddle parties. If you DO try a cuddle party, I promise you this: you will be closer to your inner Reid Mihalko by the end.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): To the Libra who recently enjoyed a good first date: So much can be accomplished while only sort of watching a movie. So what if you don’t remember the plot of Marie Antoinette and I’ve only seen glimpses and heard synth-mantras of Liquid Sky—say “Let them eat cake!” to you inhibitions and look forward to what comes next.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): To the Scorpio who keeps having a little tree stolen out of the pot on the front stoop: don’t give up. Keep planting. Yes, over and over. I think maybe that’s what some of life is.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): The stars wonder how you have been doing lately—how are your poems? Are you still writing them every day? Are you still a Tasmanian Devil flurry of paragraphs? Do you still note and collect motivational quotes? If so, please send the stars some. We can always use more.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Throw yourself a party like the ones they used to have in grade school, before sugar was outlawed. Find a cute someone to help pour the punch. Deal out cookies of celebration onto plates. Have the loudest and most cheerful game of Apples to Apples you’ve ever known.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Go past what you see at first glimpse this week. Tell your assumptions to take a vacation and get as in-depth as you can.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): “Strive for what you deserve. Don’t go for second best, baby!” (My pal Joseph Prisco, sensibly quoting Madonna) Write out and follow all the best advice you give and get. Make whatever changes you need to. Also: put your love to the test.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Well, Sally Draper is a woman now. You’re ready for rites of passage as well—go ahead, go forward, someone will be there to help you settle in.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): Yesterday at my afterschool program job, we had the most amazing talent show ever. This week’ll be like that for you—imagine children singing acapella versions of uplifting radio hits, making spontaneous collaborative art, playing the piano, and reading poetry. It gets really raucous toward the end. Don’t be afraid to clap along!

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