Poetic License Horoscopes for June 22 – 28

By Jane Cassady (You can pre-order For the Comfort of Automated Phrases NOW!):

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Find yourself some grown-up coloring pages and go to town on them. Do this in front of the TV if you want. Embellish your pages with stickers and stamp-pads and hang them up someplace where you need to be reminded to trust your creativity.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): My wife recently wrote a Zombie Apocalypse Horoscope and may well be a guest horoscopist come Halloween time. I don’t know much about zombies, but I know you should never box yourself in a basement, and don’t board up the windows. What’s coming for you is coming for you, turn and face it.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Even if today none of the libraries were open, and you ran into your old nemesis, and you ate a shameful amount of cookies, no matter. Tomorrow you’ll get a good playlist in your inbox, you’ll go on a firefly walk with your love, you’ll watch a dumb movie. Life is always mostly awesome.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): The stars never grew out of drawing hearts in the corners of notebook pages, and neither should you. You can even indulge in the creepy-cute eighth-grade-girl thing of writing your crush’s name over and over. Go ahead, be ridiculous and smitten.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Every day this week, find a poem—it could be anywhere, like magic. Collect them and build something nice.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): It’s almost time to go to summer camp, and you are a counselor. Remember your sunscreen and water jug. Remember, children can be a bit chaotic, so leave some of your Order-Muppet side at home; more Animal, less Kermit.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Yours is a religion of board games—read your future in Scrabble tiles, nothing as confusing as Upwords. I can’t master the strategy of chess (or even, some days, Bejeweled) but you can—you know where you’ll be three moves from now, so relax.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Whatever imprisons you, accept it for a bit. Then watch I Love You, Phillip Morris, watch the clouds scoot by, and plan your escape or even your series of escapes. Whatever you do, don’t think about Camus’ The Stranger. Actually, that’s good advice for every week.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20):  Ignore any and all nay-sayers at the table—you can follow any goals you’ve set out for yourself. The breath and health and love you want are within reach, just take a good walk to them. Then rest in your cool and wonderful cave. Repeat.

Aries (March 21-April 18): You are as adorable and strange as a little kids’ summer camp production of Wicked, only everyone hits the high notes and no one misses their lines. You are the mini-Elphaba to my Glinda heart, and vice versa.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): “I don’t know when to start or when to stop
My luck’s like a button/ I can’t stop pushing it/ My head feels light
But I’m still in the dark/ Seems like without tenderness there’s something missing.” (General Public)

Gemini (May 19-June 21): To the Gemini who finally found her McDreamy (Several years after Grey’s Anatomy became irrelevant, but still.) –it’s okay to agonize over what to say in your emails, miss him like crazy until he gets back to town, go ahead and believe in things a little bit!

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