Poetic License Horoscopes for July 6 – 12

By Jane Cassady (You can pre-order For the Comfort of Automated Phrases NOW!):

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Think of how many letters you can send: Strongly worded letters of complaint, love letters, thank you notes that go into lots of detail, letters of apology and amends. Pick five and write them out on paper. Remember stamps?

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): To the Leo who is apartment hunting—you will have ample closets, a big, clean kitchen, built-in bookshelves, hardwood floors, and a big windows. You’ll live in a quiet neighborhood with lots of trees. You’ll have everything including cheap rent, I promise.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23):  See Leo. Also, the tests you’ve been preparing for will be a piece of cake. Spend time in coffee shops going over practice tests. Alternate learning with good, long bouts of swimming. Fill up your brain and treat yourself kindly. You can do this.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Today, all of your wishes are coming true, and you are groggily joyful. Sleep as many hours as you want, you’ve earned it. Spend lots of time with paints and books and movies. The stars recommend rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer from a bondage perspective, but that could just be the stars.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): “Who laughs the most, knows the most, if that laughter is sincere.” (Hafiz) This week, focus even more than usual on the funny. Take Calvin and Hobbes collections to the beach with you. Meditate on the wise teachings of Demetri Martin, who is just as adorable in person. Go only to movie theatres that let you heckle the screen.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Look at the summer schedule and map out your visits. Be sure to spend the most time with the people who make you the most delighted, and the least on obligation.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Soon, I’m coming to visit you! We’ll write jillions of stanzas in our notebooks, putting stickers on the best parts. We’ll eat pie and snuggle children. I really can’t wait.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): This week, stand up for yourself, even if it is painful, even if it leads to some loss. Look at the people, the rumors, the dramas that hold you back and give them the what-for. Yes, we know, the stars should do this, too. Don’t let anyone take anything away from you. You are worth all the happiness and freedom in the world.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces in a long distance relationship: May her visits be long. May her texts be chock full of effusiveness and affection and glitter. May you have the place in her life that you’ve always wanted. A happy home. Open arms. Providence.

Aries (March 21-April 18): This week in your life as a video game, you are Mario Kart. If you feel like you’re careening, bouncing over mushrooms, skidding past barky chain-link dogs, occasionally being pulled from the drink by a helpful cloud guy with a fishing pole, don’t worry, things will calm down a bit next week. Next week’ll be Tetris.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): I’ve got writer’s block for Taurus, so please send your requests. Thanks!

Gemini (May 19-June 21):  Take a trip to your local produce market, a farmers’ market if you have one nearby. Fruit has always symbolized well-being to the stars, and this week will be like strawberry-blueberry shortcake for you, Gemini!

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